A Good Husband
I have always been thinking - theres loads of tv programs and articles in magazines/newspapers on women vs marriage/family issues - many many many of them - the listener/reader and actively participate is women - discussing every single minute about everything - and i notice callers of such programs - women - panels - women. What does that lead to? Men just dont give a damn about this basic issues? - they are so egoistic to know about it and prefer to handle it on their own - generally - not all - as i realize theres a slight improvement for them to speak up.
Malaysian culture or maybe in a more 'civilized' countries - men/husband are so in power that women are sooooooooo afraid that they'd be left or become the first wife - for muslim the power is "i-can-marry-another-one-up-to-4-if-i-dont-love-u-anymore-due-to-( 1001 reasons/excuses)" - not to criticised islamic law - but this 'law'is being 'misused' by men who doesn't fully understand the circumstances needed and will occur - they only see the heaven without thinking that they could/may create 'hell' out of it. and so from there women busily discuss on how to pleased husband, how to cook this and that (for husband), which slimming centre that they should go, how to look young till eternity et cetera. Not that i dont do that - i do, i almost do - and i know 'syurga di bawah tapak kaki suami'( heaven is under husband's feet ;) - u obey/respect/do good to your husband you'll go to heaven ) but takdelah sampai pening-pening kepala nak fikir - just take it as it comes. It also doesnt mean that i feel secure of not having my other half living for another women - for me - simple ( well maybe not too simple)- if men didnt appreciate and cherish the family - he has to be prepared of whatever consequences.. women may be soft..but they're tough.
So, due to my thinking , i decided to 'google' around for a topic on ' a good husband' from the world site - and i found a few interesting ones like here , here and here and also here i have actually an entry on a good wife guide 1955 here before...so i'm being fair. But to my amazement..i searched on similar topic in google from malaysian sites - guess what - none! - nothing constructive - no tips - ok ok i said, maybe wrong keyword - tried 'suami baik ( good husband ) - none - 'suami bertanggungjawab' ( responsible husband) both english and malay -none - hmmm - and i thot how can this be!!! - tak ada logika!! - and my last search was - 'suami mithali' ( mitahli is an arabic work for good) - Yessss - got one from Dato' Dr. Fadzilah Kamsah - the muslim way/tips to become good husband - phew - no wonderrrr...... - he must be the only good husband here in Malaysia = no offence guys - i may be wrong - but seriously it is difficult to find that topic in the Malaysian webs. .. heres the lists - but like i said - do they even bother.. ironically..we women (still) do...
1. Learn how to empathize. Most people refuse to empathize. This is not a gender issue; women are just as prone to this problem as you most likely are. I can‘t tell you how many people I‘ve heard saying, “If I show empathy, doesn’t that mean I agree with what my partner is saying? And I don’t! They’re wrong!” Empathizing does not mean you agree. It just means you care enough to listen and hear what your partner is saying. If empathizing as a communication skill were taught in every elementary school, our world would be a less violent place. Start at home. Now. Allow your partner to speak her heart. Listen without judgment. Then mirror back what you think you’ve heard until you get it right.
2. Stop trying to be an emotional Mr. Fix-It. Empathy is not about charging in to make it all better. Most of us get all bolluxed up thinking our partner wants us to solve the problem for us. It isn’t true. We just want someone to say, “Wow, that must really hurt. That must feel really hard,” to say it with deep concern and love and mean it. Just put yourself in your wife’s place--even for a moment--and feel her pain. That’s it. It can be very, very difficult when you’re in emotional reaction to what she is saying. But that’s the key to all of it--not only to happier marriages but to happier relationships in general. Think of it this way: your wife’s issues are hers, and part of the learning and growing work she needs to do in this life. You don’t want to take that soul-strengthening process away from her. But you also don’t want to continually re-wound her in her hurt places. You need to be her cheerleader, as she is yours.
3. Own your stuff. We all have emotional baggage and issues. Deal with yours and encourage your wife to do the same with hers. Chances are you chose each other because your issues dovetail neatly and you bring them up in each other. Commit to loving yourself and all your flaws, and to gaining a deeper level of self-acceptance. Then simply Be There as your wife struggles to do the same. Do what you can to encourage and help with the process. But if your issues are the Marriage-Killing variety, you may need some outside help in dealing with them. Please, please do not fall into the predictable and all-too-common male trap of refusing to get professional help. If you want to kill your marriage dead, this will do it. You show yourself to be a finer, stronger man when you admit that your stuff could use a little assistance.
4. Speak your heart. Your wife might need some help here, too, because this is truly a tricky one. Most of us allow the poison of judgment and blame to creep in when speaking to our significant others. This is counterproductive. Speaking from the heart means going deep to the feeling place and saying what you know to be deeply true FOR YOU--in other words, make “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Not “You’re thoughtless and selfish because you forgot my birthday,” but “I felt so hurt and not cared for when you forgot my birthday.” Nobody can argue with an “I” statement. Your feelings are your feelings. Most people get caught in the trap of “I must make them get it! I must make them understand!” You can’t legislate whether or not your partner will really hear you, or how they will react to you if they do. But it is a true balm for the spirit’s wounds for your own deep self to hear you speaking your truest truth, whether the Other hears you or not.
5. Avoid being judgmental. It might help to keep this little maxim in mind: Where there is judgment, there is fear. If you’re feeling massively judgmental of your partner, take it as a golden opportunity to look more deeply to see what’s really eating at you. What triggered you? What old feelings does this situation bring up? Nobody wants to self-expose and show their vulnerability to someone who will shame them for it. Most shamers and blamers are overcompensating for feelings of inferiority, trying to make themselves look better at their partner’s expense. It is far better to face the fact that you are both flawed and messed-up human beings, but capable of self-acceptance. If you have chosen a partner you truly do not respect in an attempt to work out old childhood stuff, this is a Marriage Killer; refer to # 3 above.
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Dato Dr. Fadzilah Kamsah
1 Pasang niat dan berdoa untuk menjadi suami terbaik. Tanpa berniat dan berdoa anda tidak mungkin jadi suami yang cemerlang. Ramai suami terlupa
2 Bersyukur kerana mempunyai pasangan hidup. Yakinlah bahawa isteri anda adalah pasangan terbaik yang Tuhan tentukan untuk anda. Ketentuan Tuhan adalah yang terbaik.
3 Suami mithali menjadi kebanggaan isteri. Pastikan anda membentuk sifatpositif dan istimewa. Cuba tanya diri apakah sifat atau amalan yang boleh dibanggakan oleh isteri anda.
4 Setiap hari pulang dengan senyum dan bersemangat. Apabila suami tersenyum, isteri dan anak-anak akan bahagia dan rahmat Tuhan akan turun. Senyumlah apabila sampai ke rumah.
5 Pastikan anda ada masa untuk berbual dengan isteri setiap hari. Semuaisteri bahagia apabila dapat berbual dengan suami. Berapa minit yang anda luangkan unutk berbual dengan isteri setiap hari ?
6 Telefon isteri ataupun hantar SMS sekadar untuk menyatakan yang anda sayang ataupun rindu pada isteri. Isteri anda akan berasa seronok dan bahagia apabila mendapat panggilan ataupun mesej tersebut.
7 Hiburkan hati isteri anda dengan bercerita, buat lawak atau gurauan yangmesra. Setiap gurauan mengubat hati isteri dan mengeratkan hubungan suami isteri.
8 Pastikan anda bergurau senda dengan isteri di dalam kenderaan semasa dalam perjalanan ke tempat kerja ataupun ke mana sahaja. Ramai suami membazir masa dengan membisu semasa di dalam kenderaan.
9 Amalkan makan bersama setiap hari. Berbual mesra dan nasihat menasihatisemasa makan. Amalan ini akan menarik hidayat Tuhan dan mengeratkan hubungan. Elakan berbual perkara yang melalaikan semasa makan.
10 Ajak isteri mandi bersama sekali sekala. Bergurau senda semasa mandibersama adalah sunah yang dapat mengeratkan hubungan suami isteri.
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